RECIPIENT: 2536648, MAJ. GENERAL, INT. STELLAR COUNCIL
MISSION: (CODENAME) HUMVALID
STAR DATE: 657.456.38374.3
LOCATION: EARTH (CLUSTER M, SECTOR 11B)

SUITABILITY ASSESSMENT REGARDING POTENTIAL MEMBERSHIP OF EARTH INHABITANTS (HUMAN) TO INTERSTELLAR COUNCIL OF SENTIENT LIFE (ICSL)

FIELD REPORT: 145

Dear Sir,

As you know, after my recent unfortunate and deeply regretful indiscretions with the President’s daughter, i was summarily dispatched to the remote outpost of Sector 11B on a rather lengthy (some might say lifelong) fact-finding mission to assess the viability of inviting the Human race to join the Interstellar Council, with a view to establishing a permanent embassy here. This is my 145th field report to date and i have yet to receive any constructive response. In my last report, i detailed the disturbing obsession the inhabitants seem to have of randomly mating, as well as harming each other.

Indeed, since that time, i have become convinced there is a strong case for sending a medical transport here. Out psychiatric community could have extensive work to carry out.

I was warned that despite the planet’s natural beauty, the task with said inhabitants may be somewhat challenging, if not near-impossible, as the human species are clearly held in noticeable contempt by the Interstellar community. I cannot help but accept that i may have been given very much the ugly end of a rather vile stick, although i am aware that the deep offence and anger my actions have caused demand my exile.

As much as i appreciate this valuable diplomatic experience, i must protest. I urgently request immediate extraction forthwith for the conservation of my own sanity.

I am a well-educated being, surrounded by what can only be described as — savages. I was reticent after my colleagues smugly suggested that my, seemingly never-ending, time on this planet might give me a greater sensitivity and appreciation for civilisation. I am of course grateful for it, but it is clear that this highly primitive species are totally unprepared, unsuitable and undeserving as potential members of the Interstellar community. At the present time, i have come to the sad conclusion that it may only be of use for incarcerating rehabilitated galactic criminals as an attractive open prison. No civilised creature would knowingly settle here with these people.

Thankfully few of them eat their young, but many of the adults kill them or try and mate with them. When the young aren’t trying to mate with other young, they are attacking the adults. Some of the adults even mate with the animals, who seem so used to it that they don’t bother to resist. When they’re not deliberately poisoning themselves to the point of vomiting with weakened ethanol, they are excreting in public or incessantly colliding with each other whilst walking. The females paint themselves to attract the males, who don’t seem to know which of the females they wish to stay with. Entire rituals and communal ceremonies are based around mass poisoning and animalistic mating.

I think the most alarming observation one can make about these people is their abject lack of interest in other members of their species and their all-consuming indifference to their surroundings. They appear to prefer to build their own (very unattractive) structures to enjoying their habitat, which complete escapes me and defies all common sense. It has to be seen to be believed. I am staggered for words.

I have established a headquarters on a small Island of land situated towards the north of the hemisphere known as the “United Kingdom”, within a populated urban area known as “London” (pronounced natively as “Luuuudaaaan”). I believe my disguise is holding strong, and my attempts to integrate with the local species have proved successful so far. One interaction led me to an inhabitant commenting that i am “weird ugly looking motherfucker”, which i believe is a form of a compliment in local vernacular. I had attempted to touch him as a form of jovial greeting.

This territory is ruled by a Queen who appears to wield little to no power whatsoever, and administrated by many hundreds of elderly males who meet to shout at each other in a ceremonial chamber. The population hold primitive elections involving scribbling on process plant material with ink to indicate their favoured representation, but to all appearances, do not seem to care at all. As quaint as it might seem to us, if this is government, i’m a Martian Assmonkey. They could definitely benefit from our assistance. I am also led to believe that in more remote areas of the planet, it is even barbaric and counter-intuitive.

One of the more curious rituals of the species is their preoccupation with other members of their kind who have achieved more notoriety than others (known in the culture as “celebrities”). This would seem in direct conflict with their warlike nature, and aligns itself more with what we would know as “worship”. What is particularly odd is the mindlessness of this attention, because it would appears on many occasions, there is no valid reason for this veneration other than they are notorious simply for…being notorious. You would expect that they would have to possess a special trait that made them worthy of being noticed.

This strange worship-behaviour spreads out into all areas of their existence — images are circulated, recorded audio and moving pictures broadcast, and social communication is often orientated around their actions. A large proportion of the individuals in these human communities do not even seem to like their idols, which would seem self-defeating at best. The disposition of these creatures means their attention is fixated endlessly on minutiae. Whilst many of them suffer, the rest only seem to be moved only when their own interests are at threat.

In the next 7 days after i have briefed myself on cultural norms, i intend to start collecting random genetic samples from the reproductive systems of members of the population to send back for archiving and improvement. I will transmit my next field report after the data is complete. I look forward to receiving the schedule for my departure as soon as is reasonably practical. If i may speak frankly, please act with all haste. I am concerned that spending time here may have compromised my ability to report objectively and carry out my duties as an Interstellar representative. I know i got it wrong, but i didn’t deserve this.