narcissism

Covert Vulnerable Narcissists: A Most Virulent Species

Alex Coppen

Jun 20, 2024 • 24 min read

At its heart, narcissism is the simple disease of self-idealisation. The worship of one's self. Excessive, unjustified pride. 6% of any population, and 10% of personality disorder diagnoses show some form of it. Scientists use different tests: the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, the Hypersensitive Narcissism Scale, the Pathological Narcissistic Inventory, and the Index of Sexual Narcissism.

The covert narcissist is the ultra-fragile "cowardly, passive-aggressive" henpecking saboteur variant which is found more in women. It's equally as repulsive and strange. They destroy, demean, cause havoc through endlessly being "offended", and run away from the consequences. Because they're entitled to, everyone is abusing them 24hrs a day, and frankly, everyone deserves it.

The Narcissist Prayer:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

idealisation, n
the action of regarding or representing something as perfect or better than in reality.

DARVO: Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim & Offender

This is a true story, but the person(s) shall remain nameless (some of the details are fuzzed to protect the guilty, but it is a third party acquaintance of the author). It could be any thirtysomething woman in Los Angeles, frankly. Here's (roughly) the account given by Patient X of their last relationship. Some of it, word-for-word.

See if you can spot it without scrolling ahead.

We met at the bar one night and i'd got dressed up. I was living alone nearby in an amazing 2-bed apartment like he really wanted, and we worked together at the same bar. He was just charming and funny and i was really intoxicated by his stories. We ended up spending the night together.

He broke up with me after 6 months. I stalked his social media a bit afterwards. He wrote me an email i read almost 10,000 times and it was about how he wanted to wanted to go live the #VanLife without the social consequences away from other people. It was psychopathic.

We ended up getting back together for another 18 months or so. He'd done this Trail before and i decided i wanted to do it even though it was 5 months and i'd never done anything like that.

It was hell. He harassed me constantly on the trail and i could see the rage in his eyes when i did something good. He hated me when i did something he thought he was good at. It got worse and worse, and i'd never let him live in my apartment. But he ended up there anyway, and i lived in a constant state of fear for months. Even though he never hit me, he punched holes in walls, kept accusing me of cheating on him, and took me aside to interrogate me when his parents were there. He'd never let me look at his phone and i'm just an open book when it comes to that stuff.

I finally asked him over and confronted him about his cheating, and when he said he'd had thoughts of it, i said that's it and told him to get out of my house. He wouldn't leave and i had to call BFF. He got caught scamming covering up a scam at our work by the manager (BFF's boyfriend) on CCTV and he was marched out and confronted about it with another girl he'd tried his routine and tactics on. Later he broke into my apartment, by climbing through a window, to leave a letter on the table. BFF boyfriend had to go to his workplace and demand my keys back. He'd scratched "f**k you bitch" into them.

I was devastated because i'd envisioned a family and kids with this guy over 2 years. He left his YouTube account logged in on my TV and i couldn't believe it. He'd been watching videos about "living with a narcissist". I live in a constant state of fear two years on he'll walk through the door of the bar i work at someday. He hasn't yet but i know i will. I never knew about narcissists before. He was a true psychopath: love-bombing, future-faking, everything. If was two years ago but if there's one person i'd want dead and deserves to die, it's him.

I am so proud of completing that trail and t wasn't all bad. I met so many new people doing it, one i am starting an matchmaking business with. She's a lunatic idiot though and i do all the work, so i need to find a way to tell her it's my business and she can start her own thing. There are so many narcissist customers at my job. I can't believe i know how to spot it now.

Now, what do you notice here? This is a horrific story of domestic abuse and monstrous terrorism by a psychopathic abuser of a lovely innocent person.

Or is it?

What a storyline.

We have a persecutor (the boyfriend abuser), victim (the storyteller), and enabler/rescuer (the BFF/boyfriend combo). That's the Kaufman Drama Triangle (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle).
DV is rarely a one-sided story. There is absolutely zero accountability for the person's own behaviour and a very clear pattern of demonising the "other".
This was an inappropriate relationship with a colleague, which was a bad idea from the start.
It's not normal at all to have extreme rage and hatred for someone years later. Disdain, dislike, grief, etc, perhaps. But not that intensity of bad will.
"Love-bombing" is not the same as feeling intoxicated by someone (which is also not normal on a first evening with someone). It's extremely specific to cults, where a vulnerable person with severely low self-esteem is isolated by a new "family" group and flooded with the love they never had to ensure their loyalty. There is exaggeration involved.
"Future-faking" is not the same as talking about having a future together - which is a normal course of events in any relationship.
The "tyrant" character separated from this person very early on. Getting back together, without really knowing why you did so, seems rather strange.
The "victim" took over the "tyrant"'s achievement she was impressed by. Never thought of it before herself previously. Or tried it.
Cheating is gross, but it's not particularly unusual. There is little actual evidence of actual cheating, or any serial pattern. If there was, there should be a list of close friend names it happened with, or nights spent away from home for one-night stands.
Physical intimidation without calls to the police from neighbours? If this person were so weak and frightened, it's strange they also felt confident enough to expel the person.
Throwing someone out of a house is punishment. And an act of rage.
One of these people has been very badly hurt, and lost their relationship. The other has lost their relationship, job, home, friends, and possibly their sanity. The results are asymmetric.
One of these people has been watching the other privately searching videos about narcissism, after previously joking about cyber-stalking. The person believed he was dealing with NPD.
Why didn't this person simply change the locks instead of sending someone for the keys?
The "tyrant" has never apparently never "hunted" or harassed this person or turned up at their workplace in the 2 years afterwards, despite being able to, and getting a new girlfriend quickly afterwards. He's never had any more contact. He seems to have been extremely angry.
Parasitic behaviour is being repeated as a pattern with a different person.

Did you spot the signs?

This person:

Was unmarried by mid-thirties, biological clock ticking hard, zero sense of identity or plans with a sense of emptiness, working in a series of hire/fire low-end jobs providing endless male attention. No profession or career, and seemingly pitiful/unconfident.
Idealised someone extremely early, and parasitically envied their achievement as a potential source of narcissistic supply, as well as an opportunity to exploit them for their life plan.
Suffered a painful narcissistic ego injury by being broken up with, and became obsessive.
Parasitically took over the person's hobby for which they received glory for achieving the same thing. But never followed up on it again.
(Seemingly) Antagonised the other person to the point of madness.
Threw the other person out on the street after inviting them in.
Constructed an entire pathologised domestic violence "dark legend" story portraying the other person as a psychopath.
Had a loyal, codependent enabler validating and supporting them (the BFF).
Hid behind the recruitment of at least one "flying monkey" (https://www.verywellmind.com/narcissists-and-flying-monkeys-7552473) to cause this person trouble at work and still continue communicating after the break-up.
Expelled the person so thoroughly from their life they could not tell their side of the story to mutual friends, leaving only the DV storyline.
Still wants them dead 2 years later.
Subsequently took over another person's project as a source of glory, with them suffering the same treatment.

It's the little things which get you caught.

If he was the paranoid one, how come you were accusing him of cheating?
If you were the victim, how come it was you who threw him out?
Why need the keys when you could change the locks?
Why would a narcissist be looking for videos about narcissism?

What actually happened here was a scorned, ambitious/social-climbing covert narcissist got back together with someone who injured them badly by ruining their plans and breaking up, in order to wreak a terrible revenge amidst a battle for control of the collapsing relationship. Then ran terrified of the potential retaliation for it. They also weaponised a lot of jargon from psychology source material to back up the DV story.

If you met this "victim", - like all of them, a rather plain failed girlboss brainwashed with totalitarian left-wing ideology, attracted to the grandiosity of Hollywood with a dog and sperm-bank plan for the loneliness - you wouldn't know she has a list of workplaces she cannot visit due to previous conflicts, an impressive body-count, alongside problems with alcohol and drugs. And now, an obsessive paranoia someone might do the same to her.

If you saw the staggeringly-childish Tiktok "video diary" of this best-friend hiking trail expedition she parasitised, you would see videos openly mocking and taunting this man as she uses it to attempt fame, whilst ignoring him and blatantly attempting to date other men on social media. Which she now plans to hawk as a comedy series with him as the "nasty" character. For triple, lifetime revenge.

She describes the start of this disaster in terms which, frankly, are like a field of red flags, in a grandiose, fame-seeking article humble-bragging about her great achievement (with true-love-style pictures of the happy couple):

I first heard about thru-hiking from my (now) partner on the night we met – he had hiked the [redacted] Trail ([redacted]) back in 2018. We sat sipping our tequila, flirting away, and I thought he was totally bonkers as he recounted his experiences to me at the bar. I bloody loved it though! I was inspired by my new boyfriend’s strength and courage...

I wasn’t familiar with the book (or film) Wild, and had no idea who Cheryl Strayed was...

My relationship was struggling. I lived alone and saw next to no-one as I, like the rest of the world, struggled through lockdown.

And my initial idea to hike the [redacted], became ‘well, why not the [redacted]?’ – My partner had planned on a 2020 [redacted] hike, and like so many other hopefuls, decided to reschedule to 2021. After much discussion, and a lot of YouTube watching on my part, I/we decided to hike the [redacted] in 2021 together.

It wasn’t long before I set myself a challenge – 30 trails in 30 days. It opened up a new world of hiking to me, and suddenly I was seeing the expansive possibility of trails to be taken. When I completed it, I felt strong. I felt accomplished. It was a feeling I became addicted to, though I maybe didn’t realise it at the time.

This is the person she later describes as a serial domestic abuser psychopath, after the relationship "struggling" with this person she felt "inspired" by (i.e. admired). It's all there immediately: an idealised person and date, idealising the potential to be glorified because of the previous TV shows, absurd grandiose plans, parasitising/hijacking someone else's itinerary. And a trail of total destruction left behind once anyone involved had outlived their usefulness. After all, if your "relationship is struggling" after a matter of months, why not take an intense five-month trail with that person?

Once the hike was over and the videos recorded, it seems he was discarded and demonised.

This man got badly mauled, but had a very, very lucky escape. He still lives in LA, he appears to still be hiking, and also appears to be very much in love with a sweetheart of a girl. And he probably has a case for defamation.

B, if you ever find this, feel free to get in touch and tell your side of things. Use the "contact" page on the top menu. Your name and specific details will be redacted.

Time: The Narcissist's Mortal Enemy

Time presents two impossible problems for the self-idealist.

They build a track record of animosity

You will know them by their fruits. One or two broken relationships may be bad luck, but a longer and longer list of "evil ex" characters, offended ex-friends, seduction victims, etc. do not lie. More and more witnesses end up testifying about the same thing. If everyone else is to blame, and you're in mid-life with no marriage, children, long-term friends, and a string of "falling out" bridge-burning incidents with other people which is so severe you can't go back, the social feedback becomes deafening. The storyline doesn't add up as the facts trickle in.

The lesson here: take time to investigate what actually happened in a person's background. There is wisdom in a multitude of counsellors.

It all happens too fast

Narcissists have to act fast to "break in" or "lock in" the target bond. It's impossible to conceal all the bad history, the bad habits, and the dysfunctional behaviour for any longer than a couple of months without distance or existing infrastructure in place to assist. So much drama happens in too short a timeframe. It's too early for all this conflict. Normal relationships don't melt down or experience high levels of conflict in a matter of weeks. It might be love-bombing, and it might be complaining/undermining to get something over the other person. Pressure reveals what they desperately want to hide and the longer things go on, the more they are in an intolerable state where they are emotionally exposed and out of control.

The lesson here: if too much weirdness is happening too early, trust your instinct something is wrong. Excitement is natural, but a lot of emotion of any kind up front is never good.

Metacognition: The Narcissist's Achilles Heel

The narcissist is trapped in the mirror, staring at their own idealised reflection. They are unable to see anything else.

Narcissists never ask whether they are the narcissist. They refuse to even consider the possibility they are the bad guy. A normal person with any degree of humility naturally worries if they could be a psychopath or a lunatic. Psychopaths are quite proud of what they are and see themselves as a superior genetic species. But mad people do not ask themselves if they are mad. Because they are mad. And people who do not know what they cannot see, do not ask what they cannot see.

Narcissism carries a severe stigma, for very good reason. A narcissist is a bad person. It is taboo. It is guaranteed rejection, and the consequences are everything opposite to what the narcissist seeks: adoration, admiration etc. To be labelled one is a terrifying prospect which generates panic. It's to have one's glory nullified; the end of their dreams.

They often talk much about narcissism and call others narcissists. They'll often have entire psychology textbooks memorised about it and behave like a therapeutic detective explaining why a person they don't like has earned the diagnosis of NPD. Everyone else is a possible narcissist with a toxic pathology. Which is the simple reason why narcissists are attracted to being amateur and professional psychotherapists.

Stupid people have a blind spot that they can't see they are stupid. Narcissists have a blind spot too: they refuse to entertain the idea - even for a second - they could be a diseased or disordered person worthy of stigma. The concept is so offensive to them it generates rage.

The lesson here: ask a few people you know to be perfectly normal if they've ever wondered what it would be like to be a narcissist, and note how they respond. They will find it an eccentric idea, but they'll pause for a second and think about it. If you accuse a normal person of it, they'll naturally be angry and defensive if they think you're serious, but calm down once the misunderstanding is resolved. A narcissist, by contrast, will immediately respond very, very badly to the suggestion they would be less than the perfect ideal and panic with a certain rage. It will be a deeply offensive question.

Two other ways to unmask a narc and experience the red-faced rage:

Taunt them with something they envy in front of their face.
Compliment another person about what they believe they are messianically talented at.

They've Read The Red Flag Lists

Narcissists are extremely conscientious about making sure others don't see them as narcissists. Of course they are. Because there's no possibility it could be them. They are concerned with anyone thinking they might be and avoiding the stigma. Being like that is completely below them, and all the other bad people who have broken up with them viciously are the ones they're googling narcissistic symptom lists about.

Narcissists read psychology articles and adapt extremely quickly. They learn the lingo and the accusations which could be levelled at them. They adopt highly sophisticated behaviours aimed to disguise these red flags from the people who might spot them. This language is turned on the victim as "ist" and "phobe" slurs are turned on political rivals to dismiss them.

Where the narcissist fails is in the details and the storyline. They assume the language and accusations will be enough to mask their actual behaviour.

The signs can be summarised in another handy acronym:

SPECIAL ME

Sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success
Entitled
Can only be around people who are important or special
Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain
Arrogant
Lack empathy
Must be admired
Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them

The narcissist can get around the suspicious quite simply by adopting sheep's clothing as a conceit:

Appearing to be humble and self-deprecating.
Undertaking charitable work and talking about simple life goals.
Claiming victimhood.
Associating with those "below" them (e.g. via charity work).
Appearing to be a "giver".
(See #1)
Appearing to listen well and be sensitive.
Claiming to live an anonymous life.
Hiding their physical and verbal reaction to "provocation".

Or put simply, the vulnerable covert narcissist is the one who adopts these tactics to avoid being seen as the overt species. They are highly socially aware.

They can also weaponise psychobabble terms against the victim, which is extremely helpful as it is unfalsifiable (i.e. can't be proved true or false) and has the same "thought-stopping" power as terms like "racist". It horrendously confuses the other person and nullifies any counter-accusation.

"You're gaslighting me"
"We trauma-bonded"
"He love-bombed and mirrored me"

This psychology jargon is a veritable goldmine of nonsense for the narcissist to abuse, inflate, and exaggerate across the grey area of behaviour no-one else witnessed. It particularly works on trusting people who are easily made to feel shame or guilt (i.e. have a working conscience).

If you identify and label them as a narcissist, they will be the victim and after two weeks of frantic internet research, you will be "projecting" and YOU will be the actual narcissist. They will muddy the waters so thoroughly nobody will know what is what or who is who. Which is the entire point.

Left-Wing Worldview: Me As God

All humans have a tendency towards clan-ism, selfishness, and adulterousness on their worst days. It's a trait of our species. However, there are certain beliefs and behaviours which have a powerful, consistent correlation with narcissism.

Left-wing belief is often a "dark-ego-vehicle" for these. As anyone in LA knows all too well.

these results suggest “that individuals who endorse aggressive actions to overthrow those in power are more likely to exhibit traits of exploiting others for their own gain, lacking empathy, feeling entitled, being arrogant and manipulative, showing reactive anger, distrusting others, and seeking thrill.” In other words, the authors are suggesting that many with this disposition may not be acting out of a genuine desire to do good. They refer to this as the “dark-ego-vehicle principle” — using far-left political activism to “satisfy their own ego-focused needs.”

Correlation is not causation. and it can be stronger or weaker depending on the study and circumstances.

Atheism

There are many people with an obvious good-faith scepticism when it comes to theology and divinity. "Religion" as they love to call it, is highly offensive to the narcissist simply because it involves deference to someone or something higher than themselves. It means considering themselves bad or less-than. It's primitive and below them. The only "religion" permitted in their highly dogmatic, intolerant, fundamentalist quasi-religious outlook is... the worship of them.

Perception research has shown that atheists, who fall under the larger category of nonreligious, are seen as more grandiose and vulnerable narcissistic, as well as having less empathy.
https://scholarship.rollins.edu/honors/43/

The lesson here: take time to understand the basis for someone's atheism but be wary of them displaying actual anger or derision towards the notion of a higher authority.

Abortion

There are many people with a good-faith arguments about early-term or exceptional circumstances for intervening in a pregnancy. However, the license to commit feticide in one's own interests is the ultimate expression of narcissism. The figures are staggering.

women who had abortions had significantly higher scores in areas of histrionic (67.5%), narcissistic (32.5%), and anti-social (23.7%) characteristics. They also exhibited high levels of anxiety (47.5%) and paranoia (25%).
https://www.lifeissues.net/writers/air/air_vol4no3_1992.html

The lesson here: be sympathetic when investigating the circumstances around child loss but be extremely wary of anyone with a laissez-faire attitude to feticide or an extreme shame sensitivity about it.

Addictions: alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex

Anyone can fall prey to addiction. But it also shares a shocking amount of symptoms with narcissism. Problem people with serious issues processing shame use alcohol and drugs to achieve a state of superiority above others while also lessening feelings of inferiority. Devaluing others, a trait in narcissism, was more likely in people with problems controlling their drinking.

As predicted, those with elevated vulnerable narcissism at Time 1 had increased shame at Time 2, which predicted problem drinking and gambling at Time 2.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0306460318312590

Adultery

Anyone can make a mistake. But narcissists think they are not required to maintain monogamy - even when the other person must.

own sexual narcissism was positively associated with infidelity, controlling for own marital and sexual satisfaction, own globally-assessed narcissism, partner globally-assessed narcissism, and partner sexual narcissism.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4163100/

The lesson here: never give cheaters the benefit of the doubt.

Eating Disorders

Most girls suffer anxiety and confusion over changes in their body during adolescence. Before they were told it is because they have a restless gender soul requiring chemical castration drugs, researchers found it was more about an obsession with control and... drum roll...

people displaying vulnerable narcissism characteristics, rather than grandiose, had a stronger risk factor for developing eating disorder symptoms - such as binge eating, purging, and over-concern with body shape and weight.
https://health.anu.edu.au/news-events/news/vulnerable-narcissists-more-susceptible-eating-disorders

Narcissism scores of ED patients (whether restricters or bingers/purgers) consistently exceeded those of the PC and NC cases, suggesting that Narcissism does indeed load more heavily in the EDs than in other psychiatric disturbances.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9261656/

The lesson here: be wary of anyone exhibiting an obsession with food or body image.

Feminism

The right to vote is one thing; pathological gender sectarianism is another. The worship of one's form is about as basic as narcissism gets. Unsurprisingly, those who engage in this kind of ideology score more highly than anything else.

researchers found a significant relationship between higher levels of narcissistic grandiosity and greater involvement in feminist activism. This relationship remained significant even after accounting for factors such age, gender, narcissistic vulnerability, altruism, and feminist self-identification. Furthermore, the study revealed that the narcissistic trait of exploitativeness, characterized by a manipulative interpersonal orientation and the inclination to dominate others, was particularly influential in this regard.
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12144-023-05451-x

The lesson here: avoid and do not engage anyone with any interest in this quasi-religious pathology.

Gender ideology

Gender dysphoria is a rare documented condition which is expressed in a very small minority of people - as is autogynephilia. The notion of gender-souls and anything gender-related have a correlation with severe autism, eating disorders, depression, personality disorders, and more. But the most correlated trait with two-thirds of patients is... drum roll...

The frequency of personality disorders was 81.4%. The most frequent personality disorder was narcissistic personality disorder (57.1%) and the least was borderline personality disorder. The average number of diagnoses was 3.00 per patient.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4301205/

The lesson here: avoid and do not engage anyone with any interest in this cult.

Homosexuality

There are many people with a good-faith belief their sexual appetites are unchangeable, and they may be right. Freud was insistent homosexual behaviour - sexual attraction to the familiar image of one's own sex - was almost entirely the result of narcissism. His development model was that adults with this disposition seek out younger people who resemble themselves.

homosexual students score higher in both measures of narcissism and lower on the self-esteem measure, compared to their heterosexual counterparts.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20063233/

The lesson here: be sympathetic when investigating the nature of someone's disposition but be extremely wary of anyone glorifying it as their sense of personal identity.

New Age Crankery: self-help, psychics, cults, manifesting

Spiritual communities come complete with an in-built audience and the ability to be your own guru, deity, or profound "mentor" to the vulnerable. This criticism of the "New Age" movement goes back to Christopher Lasch's books "The Culture of Narcissism" (1979) and "The Future of the Self" (1987). It teaches people they are enlightened and possess special powers.

The infiltration of cultural narcissism into American spirituality began with the shift, analyzed in 1979 by Christopher Lasch, from religion to therapy. Assessing what he called the “Awareness Movement,” Lasch argued that “people today hunger not for personal salvation, let alone for the restoration of an earlier golden age, but for the feeling, the momentary illusion, of personal well-being, health, and psychic security.”
https://mbird.com/everyday/the-culture-of-narcissism-part-3-the-religion-of-me/

The lesson here: avoid and do not engage anyone with any serious interest in this magical thinking nonsense.

Pornography

Porne (sexual immorality, or prostitution) and graphos (to record, depict) involves the exploitative practice of filming prostitution. These people refer to themselves gloriously as "stars", before they kill themselves or die of a fentanyl overdose. As do their audience.

The hours spent viewing Internet pornography was positively correlated to participants’ narcissism level. In addition, those who have ever used Internet pornography endorsed higher levels of all 3 measures of narcissism than did those who have never used Internet pornography.
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2014.931313#preview

The lesson here: anyone watching online porn has bigger problems you should be wary of.

There's just no possible doubt about how social media is a provocateur and an enabling outlet for severe, pathological narcissism. It's so extreme you'd sound mad defending it.

grandiose narcissism is positively related to all 4 indices (rs .11–.20), although culture and social media platform significantly moderated the results.
https://people.uncw.edu/hakanr/documents/Narcandsocialmediausereview.pdf

Consistent results were reported regarding the positive and significant association between grandiose narcissism and PFU (0.13 < r < 0.32). The only two studies that included a vulnerable narcissism measure reported a positive and significant correlation with PFU as well.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7244927/

greater oversensitivity was significantly associated with greater scores in all six aspects of social media use.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8431185/

The lesson here: there is no such thing as "healthy" social media use.

How To Deal With This Species

Narcissists are highly predictable and robotic. They are already stacking the deck against you and you are behind. They know the situation is going to end in horrendous collapse and are in the process of setting you up for the fall. Even while they're holding you in their arms and telling you how much they love you. This is what the species' behaviour is.

You know dozens of people. You don't suspect them of being narcissists. If you even suspect it, your predator instincts are working and your pattern recognition is engaged. You are correct. You do not have the proof, but you do not need it. Suspicion is more than enough.

You should expect the following as a matter of course:

Attempts to draw you into situations of vulnerability where you can then be "punished".
A defamatory, fictional "dark legend" prosecution constructed against you.
A smear campaign using the "dark legend" story to get the narc off the hook and preserve their sense of moral purity in front of others.
Enablers and third parties being ginned up to defame or attack you in the name of "support".
"Snooping" and cyberstalking.
No amount of pleading or appealing to their good side will make any difference.

No, it is not fair. Yes, it is hurtful and outrageous. But you also picked this situation, and are choosing to stay in it. So choose differently, take control, and take responsibility for leaving it. You didn't know, you probably couldn't have known, but you know now.

The way you deal with this isn't easy, but it is straightforward (this is very different when it comes to children). You can't win. You need to escape and ensure they can never contact you again. There is no answer to this other than getting far away from them.

Narcissists have a kryptonite: being video recorded. It sends them into spasms of rage from the shame and exposure/vulnerability. Do not abuse this; use it carefully, sparingly, and legally.

Their entire case rests on being able to defame you. Video recording them entirely destroys their ability to do that and defangs them. They go running. If they record you in turn, all they get is a reasonable person acting calmly. Let them.

There is nothing more terrifying to a narc than being publicly exposed for what they are. Just pressing record and holding up the phone is enough to send them into a tailspin of panic.

Tell your family.
Tell a friend.
If you can, tell your employer. They will try to get you fired.
Assume your communications are being monitored and your belongings are being snooped through. Assume they have your address book with your family's contact details in and your passwords, and copies of your sent emails. It's not uncommon for these people to use keyloggers and bugs they buy in online spy shops as their paranoia worsens. Get a PO Box or virtual address if you can't have things come to your home. Get new email addresses, passwords, bank PIN codes for cards etc. Do it quietly.
Assume their enablers are reporting everything back to them as spies, and they will turn against you.
Do not, under any circumstances, allow anyone you suspect is a narcissist, to be in a position of power over you. If you moved in with them, move out. Fast. Tell them it's for their mental health. Do not be in a room alone with them if you suspect confrontation may occur. If you owe them money, pay it back immediately. If you have a joint bank account, get a private one. If you're in business, reorganise things apparently in their favour with an LLC or third party proxy. Manufacture any pretext you require.
Do not, under any circumstances, even when you're furious, say anything in a text message, email, voicemail, or other medium which can be screenshotted or replayed. It will be used against you, send to friends/family, or posted online.
Do not get drunk, do drugs, or do anything sexually weird around them. You'll say something you regret or you'll be filmed for blackmail. Stop after one drink. Work out your excuses.
If you've been isolated, take up some voluntary work, perhaps at a church. The narc will feel threatened and unhappy, so construe it in a way that it glorifies them. It will gain you a support network and a good reference benchmark for what is normal behaviour again. They will attempt to involve themselves in this new activity so they control it.
Stop sleeping with them. Manufacture an indisputable medical reason (with proof) if you have to, and avoid pregnancy claims. You will be accused of cheating in return.
Do not post anything online about them. They will screenshot it and use it as proof of "abuse", and people will see you as the aggressor.
Screenshot all the texts and emails, for filing away. If they have covert access to your accounts, they will delete anything incriminating and lock you out.
Shut down your social media. Do it gradually and cite different reasons. They will take it over or stalk you.
Delete any intimate photos or messages on their devices or your own. Assume they have copies. They will be posted in revenge.
If you have to throw them out, pay for a consultation with an attorney. Follow the law precisely to the letter, and do it in writing. Safeguard their belongings in storage, pay for two nights at a hotel, and change the locks. They will sue, after calling the police to try to regain access. Know the law and have a witness with you filming it if necessary.
Video record any violence on your phone. Fake it if you don't manage to hit the button correctly. If they attack you to grab the phone and you defend yourself, it will be on record. Rehearse this scenario with a friend so you remember what to do when your adrenaline floods.
Video record the theatrical show. They will falsely accuse you of domestic violence, and call in the lackeys they have ginned up (or police) to witness a fictional theatrical show of terrified fear. Film it.
Record calls on your phone using an app like https://www.tapeacall.com/ and screenshot your call history.
If you have firearms, lock them away at the range or in a safe somewhere. They will claim you put kept them for intimidation purposes. They also could find them and use them against you.
Do not draw in a new partner or love interest, even if they want to be involved. They will end up being targeted, and your new relationship will suffer.
If you are assaulted, get a doctor or nurse to attend to the injury no matter how small so you have a witness. Have a witness photograph the injuries. Make a police report as soon as possible and get a reference number. They will claim it was self-defence or you were trespassing.
Photograph and inventory your belongings. They will be defaced or destroyed.
If you are thrown out, get the police to escort you back in with a witness. Book a hotel on your credit card immediately and figure it out tomorrow. They will call the police after the door is shut to falsely claim you are a domestic abuser. Your property will be destroyed.
Slap them with a arrest-laden restraining order in court (https://selfhelp.courts.ca.gov/restraining-orders) which is on public record. You will need an attorney, and documented proof of why you need it (video, threat emails etc).

If you have children, you need to see an attorney as quickly as physically possible. You are in for a long ten years of hell with alimony, custody, therapy, and healing the damage about to be done to them. There is no amount of money that isn't worth throwing at this problem when it comes to kids.

These people are predatory and only understand a) serious social consequences, and b) legal force. Your clever arguments and emotional appeals mean nothing.

There is no solution here. You will look for one for months. Don't bother. There is only one solution: distance. You are going to be smeared, so make peace with it. There is only one game here, and it's damage limitation.

Time will defeat them. Their friends will see the behaviour repeated over and over, and get suspicious. Or they will become victims themselves. People will naturally come to ask your side of things - the less you do, the saner you look.

If you encounter a particularly virulent kind, they will know you will do this and engage in the same themselves. They will screenshot your texts and manufacture an entire vault of evidence for their storyline.